Leviathan: The Movie

Leviathan: The Movie

Directed by P. T. Moneybags

Starring
Teen Action Hero!Alek as Alek
Strong Yet Feminine!Deryn as Deryn
Wise Old Mentor!Volger as Volger
Emperor/Fuhrer as Emperor Franz Joseph and the Kaiser
Hot!Barlow as Dr. Barlow
And ARNOLD

(Scene opens. Music plays. Three people are in the Stormwalker: Alek, Volger, and ARNOLD.)

Volger: Ever since your parents' deaths, we've been pursued by the evil  Emperor/Fuhrer who murdered both of them. When we finally make it to Switzerland, I have one final secret to reveal to you.
Alek: Cool. Can't you tell me now?
Volger: No. We must wait until the time is right, my young padawan, er, I mean, Your Highness.

(Sounds of cannon and machinery)

Arnold: We are under attack. (Grabs machine gun and leaps from Stormwalker)
Alek: Sweet! He's firing three machine guns at once!
Volger: Yes. He is very effective. Your father and considered sending you with Arnold alone, but we decided that you probably needed a real human as well. (Guns firing) Our original plan included four people, but ARNOLD made all of that unnecessary. He does the work of more than three men.
Alek: *$@%^! It's harder to drive the Stormwalker during a battle. Hmm... what do you do Volger?
Volger: Oh, I provide necessary background and exposition.
Alek: But, can't you drive the Stormwalker a little while, Volger? I have to remove a flare from the outside engine casing in an awesome action sequence.
Volger: No, sorry Alek. But ARNOLD can also drive the Stormwalker and fire two machine guns.
Alek: Oh, well that's alright then. (Climbs out. Exciting action sequence. Returns.) Hey guys, it looks like the Emperor/Fuhrer has finally caught up with us.
Emperor/Fuhrer: Mwhahahaha!!!! I have finally caught you. I will kill you and force you to wear a swastika armband for betraying our Hapsburg lineage and for not being a bigot.
Alek: o.O
Emperor/Fuhrer: You must accept it, Alek; Austria is already a part of Germany.
Alek: You will never defeat the forces of righteousness!... Who gave me such a tacky line?
(ARNOLD jumps in front of Alek, saving everyone. They all return to the Stormwalker)
Alek: *$@%^! We're in a tight spot. What does this button do?
(Scene ends)
Volger: Well, here we are in Lienz.
Alek: Alright, we'll split up. ARNOLD will take the west side of town, and Volger and me will scale the eastern wall, forcing the leaders to surrender. After we kill everyone, we'll...
Volger: Alek, we are here to purchase supplies. You father left us plenty of money, so there is no need to attack anyone.
Alek: Oh... right.
ARNOLD: Oh no. There are some soldiers here. They must have tracked us.
Alek: And we didn't bring any weapons. What will we do?
ARNOLD: Never fear, master. I am programmed with NINJA software. (Attacks soldiers, using awesome ninja moves)
Alek: Wow, that was pretty awesome. Well, let's go then. It doesn't look like we can get any supplies here, as you also blew up the entire town.
(Switzerland. Ice. Wind blows)
Volger: Well, we have finally reached Switzerland, and safety. Finally, we can relax. (Holds Pina Colada) It's all board games from now on. Let's start out with my favorite, Risk.
Alek: What about the really cool secret you were going to tell me?
Volger: Oh, right. Well, I will tell you if you first beat me at Risk.
Alek: *$@%^! #!*&%! I can never beat you at Risk! Can't we play Clue instead?
(Later)
Volger: Well, you finally beat me at Risk. Now for the secret: You're really the emperor of Austria-Hungary. Not Hitler--He's not even related to you.
Alek: Phew! That's a relief. (Noises) *$@%^! What the #!*&%! is that!
Volger: It looks like a Darwinist airship. Oh well, it looks like they're crashing, maybe they'll all die.
Alek: Don't say that Volger! Oh, wait, maybe there will be some #!*&%! sweet wreckage to look at. Let's go, Volger!
Volger: No, it could be too dangerous.
Alek: Volger, man, you're like my homie, my bro, my family. Right?
Volger: No.
(Ouch! Rejection!)
Alek: Well, then I'll go and find someone who does care.
(Snowy glacier. The Leviathan lays in wreckage below. Dramatic music.)
Alek: *$@%^! snow! #!*&%! snowshoes! Oh, what's that?
Deryn: Ow. Oh. Ow. (Tries to get Alek's attention while lying on the ground by waving one arm frantically) He's cute, and I want him to rescue me. (Whispers) Psst. Alek! You're supposed to come and help me!
Alek: Oh, right, sorry. Um... are you alright?
Deryn: Oh, yes I am. Wait a minute, you talk a wee bit like a Clanker!
Alek: Well, I shouldn't. I'm from Ohio. Your accent's really fake.
Deryn: Well, I'm not Scottish, but at least I'm making an effort!
Alek: Why is your flight suit pink?
Deryn: So that people know I'm a girl, duh! We wouldn't want the audience getting confused, would we?
Alek: Um... is it really that hard? You're wearing lipstick. And eyeliner.
Deryn: Oh, so you noticed. (Smiles romantically) Now I've got to to take you to Dr. Barlow. (They start to walk towards the airship)
Alek: Who's she?
Deryn: She's a barking spiders important boffin!
Alek: I don't think you're using that phrase correctly.
Deryn: Well, I have to use it sometime. I mean, it's in the contract.
(They have arrived at Dr. Barlow's door. Deryn partially opens the door)
Alek: Whoa! She has *$@%^! massive-- (Is cut off by Deryn)
Deryn: Shh! You are making this an uncomfortable work environment for her. Haven't you ever taken a sexual harassment course?
Dr. Barlow: (sexily) Hello, Alek.
Alek: How do you know my name?
Dr. Barlow: I know you better than you think, Alek. I know everything you want.
Alek: O-kay.
Dr. Barlow: Anyway, I'm going to take you to the captain, because you have the food we need. We can trade. I'll go and help you get it. With my Tazza. (Tazza barks) Hurry up, Mr. Sharp.
Deryn: Oh yeah. We have to keep flirting to a minimum in front of the captain. He doesn't know my secret.
Alek: What secret, Mr. Sharp?
(Back at the castle)
Alek: It's lucky that ARNOLD can carry all of the food we need. Why did we bring a Stormwalker anyway?
Volger: Because it looks more exciting that way. Who's your lovely lady friend, Alek?
Dr. Barlow: Ooh, nice 'stache.
Alek: That's Dylan and Dr. Barlow.
Volger: (to Dr. Barlow) You must be Dylan because you look to young to be a doctor.
Dr. Barlow: (bats hand) Oh, you naughty man! (The tacky older character flirting continues while Alek and Deryn talk)
Alek: What's that you're drawing, Dylan? It says "Princess Deryn, Mrs. Alek". Who's that in the dress?
Deryn: (hides drawing) Oh, she's a fictional character. The glitter is for a friend.
Alek: *$@%^! #!*&%! We're being attacked!
Emperor/Fuhrer: I have finally found you again, Prince Alek!
Alek: I have been dreading this day. At least I have you by my side, Dylan... God, what a sappy line. Who writes this stuff?
Volger: Use the force, Alek!
Emperor/Fuhrer: Resistance is futile!
(They fight. ARNOLD takes care of all of the soldiers, leaving Alek to battle one-on-one with the Emperor/Fuhrer. Deryn fights a swastika-wearing ninja girl we have never seen before. Finally, Alek corners the Emperor in a totally awesome sword fight.)
Alek: That was a totally awesome sword fight! Oh no, ARNOLD! You're fatally wounded because your whole torso has been blown off.
ARNOLD: Not really, Alek. I have a secret. ARNOLD is an acronym for Awesome Robot-Ninja and Over-Loaded Disc player. (Regrows self mechanically)
Alek: You can play music? Why didn't you tell us this before?
Deryn: Can you play "Free Bird?"
ARNOLD: Sorry, no. I only have one disc. It is lite jazz.
Alek: Oh *$@%^! Nevermind.
Emperor/Fuhrer: He is not the only one with a secret. I have one as well... I am secretly a SITH LORD! (Pulls out light saber and escapes)
Alek: Gasp!
Volger: Well, I guess this means you have to learn the ways of the Jedi, Alek.
Alek: But who will teach me?
Volger: I don't know. Don't look at me, I'm not a Jedi.
Alek: *$@%^! #!*&%! During the battle, my Stormwalker was, like, totally blown up.
Dr. Barlow: That's too bad Alek. The Emperor's men also blew up our engines on the Leviathan. I guess  I will have to stay here with you two handsome fellows.
Alek: Hey! Why don't you take the engines from my Stormwalker. That'll teach the Emperor to blow up my ride! Do you think they will work on a Darwinist ship?
Deryn: Shh... Alek! Didn't you hear? It's Animalists now, because some people might be offended.
Alek: Oh.
(The camera pans away as the Leviathan flies off into the sunset)

THE END